if you build it, they will come

really? hogwash.

i'll be frank and say i'm having a hard time with this blog. i know it's my current perspective as well as trying to assess what direction i want it to go, how i want it to look, how much time i have to put in, etc. in other words, i know the role i'm playing.

a friend suggested i post everyday...at this point in the game, simply not gonna' happen. every few days is something i can get behind with the ocassional challenge of posting daily for a week (full disclosure, i have failed this challenge before). i honestly don't have that much to say, that much to share that i need to post every day. unlike homies who's daily postings make sense.

another friend suggested i post more music. to this i say, why? when i have in the past, it's rarely--if at all--been downloaded and this is music that's been left up for 2 weeks. honestly, i can count on one hand how many times all songs combined have been downloaded. pishaw.

another friend suggested i write more. can't say, i disagree. i'm just not sure what to write about. but i'm thinking about this one, even registered for a writing class to get the ball rolling and to get comfortable with writing again. yay for me.

a side note: some years ago there were a few creative things i was working and/or interested in pursuing (like taking both a writing & photography course, learning how to make handmade postcards, spinning records) that had me jazzed when a dear friend became terminally ill. the whole ordeal fucked my world up and it was compounded with so many other things happening simultaneously that it was all i could do to get out of bed and handle the day-to-day basics. in fact, i have to thank the therapist who wouldn't allow me to take meds during this time, 'though no one would blame me for dosing up.

the story in itself i need to save this for another time; i'm very protective of the experience and the people involved. one thing i will say, all my illusions about life, friends, expectations and people in general were pretty much broken during that time. it's taken myself and everyone involved years to finally get back to "normal," whatever normal is. it's an ongoing process and not anything i can safely say i'll ever get over. so i think another aspect of this blog, is just learning how to allow myself to grow creatively again without any pressure.

but back to my bitching, have i told people about this blog? absolutely. does anyone read it? according to google analytics, not so much. in fact, my readership is down "-89.47%". so maybe the six people that were reading have been reduced to say...two?

i liken this blog to beta testing. initially, i started my blog as a way to share with my friends. i tend to post what i see on the "nets," shit that i'd end up sending to friends. i just thought, well maybe if it's all in one place, i could simplify everything, save time, get feedback...you know like, if you build it, they will come? hm.

anyway, instead of playing my imaginary violin and rolling myself into a big ball of "woe is me," i'll just keep pushing until i figure out exactly what i want this to be and how i need to evolve.

while i'm here, i must give a shout out to "pj" who is a ridiculously supportive reader (read: a close friend) who honestly keeps me from feeling like a complete failure. thank you, thank you, thank you. she comments not only here, but on other blogs i've linked to, as if it were her job. her support is unwavering and it's infinitely appreciated. and yes, other people comment and it's equally appreciated but pj...she's just special that way. i've mentioned her before but if you happen to have smaller feet and are into vintage shoes, check out her store. i salivate often, but i must say, they didn't call me "sasquatch" in high school for nuthin'. :D

in the meantime, please enjoy these clips of real life "glee" kids that have me feeling incredibly jealous that i can't sing or skillfully play an instrument.

i'm also amazed at how much better they sing than the actual artists. /sarcasm