penis hands

i used to maintain another blog that i'd practice writing on from time to time but due to fucked up circumstances beyond my control, got side tracked, fell off and never really revisited. i'm sure i will again one day but until then, thought i'd share an entry from a few years ago...

my friend and i went to see jazzy jeff spin last night and as we're walking back to the car, a man is struggling to relieve himself as he attempts to pee in the corner of a doorway. upon him seeing us coming around the corner, he laughs, begins to put his shit back in his pants and apologizes. we tell him not to worry as we’re crossing the street anyway and obviously it was urgent (‘though i saw him in the club not 15 minutes prior to this and he walked past the bathroom to the main room. i’m sure he knew he had to pee then). he seemed thankful for our understanding and smiled but when he fully turned around, he looked at me and said, “oh snap!, pocahontas.”

(back story, as previously mentioned, i saw ‘ol boy in the club earlier and as we passed one another, he bumped into me and said, “i like your hair.” i thanked him while thinking, “it’s two pigtails...it’s not like i’m rockin’ some fly ass hair-do but okay, if you think so.”)

anyway, he walked towards us, asks if he could "holla’ at me for a minute" all while staring at my hair (first impression: he’s one of those “hair struck” types), then puts out his hand to shake mine.

me: didn’t you just have your penis in your hand and now you’re offering to shake mine?
penis hands: oh...yeah, but mah my shit is clean.
me: and? that doesn’t mean anything to me.
penis hands: (trying to sound enticing) man, you don’t know...i could have the cleanest shit in the world.
me: (not the least bit enticed) right, but i don’t know...and you just held your shit.
penis hands: ok, ok you right...i see you. look, i think you’re really cute. what’s up? where you from? (pauses) if i give you my number, you’re not going to call are you?
me: probably not.
penis hands: well what about emailing me?
me: uh...i don’t know (at this point, i wanted this conversation to be over. it was fucking cold, i didn’t have my gotdamn thermals on nor did i layer properly because i knew i’d be too warm from dancing, his clear braces were yellowing from lack of proper hygiene and it was obvious that he wasn’t aware of an invention called floss).
penis hands: (as he hands me his penis tainted business card) well, i’m gonna’ give you my card. if you don’t email me, is it okay to say “you suck” the next time i see you?
me: (smiling) that’s your prerogative.
penis hands: alright, well have a good night.
me: you as well...and drive safely (when i said that, i immediately thought of his penis keys, penis door handle, penis steering wheel...)

this is the caliber of men that approach me. *heavy sigh*

p.s. this FREE jazzy jeff & mick boogie mix is definitely worth downloading. 

p2s: little video of j.j. with dj am (r.i.p.) in action


  1. Hilarious. There are penis hands walking around all the time. Every man is a penis hand. Never really considered this but it doesn't bug me. What does bug me are clear braces and yucky teeth. Ew.

  2. Ick! He had a lot o' nerve coming at you like that!

  3. You know who always have penis hands? Little boys. And little girls often have vagina hands. I know this from working with kindergartners and first graders. Those little guys will put their hands everywhere - everywhere!
    And then they want to play with your hair. Chills.
    xo t

  4. so true taylor and thanks for this nugget of petri dish wisdom. the hair comment alone sent chills down my spine, lol. but it's weird, i expect that from children, adults on the other hand, major chills. obviously larry david and i would get along swimmingly.

  5. dying laughing right now...